Honors History Bashing of Politicians Draft

Please note that this is a rough draft that is intended to be terrible. I am simply getting my thoughts down on paper before I fine-tune it into a decent looking essay. I find this works well, rather than just trying to write something decent in a rough draft and struggling to get ideas down.

Editorial: The Foolish Ideas of William Jennings Bryan
By Nikita Atrash
The power of free silver is amazing! That is, if you honestly believe there is an infinite amount of silver in the world. Silver is a rare artifact, not to mention it's shiny so it's sought after by the shiny thieves of the world. They are known as the Silver Thieves! And Silver is rare so it's worth lots of money, but if you start using Silver all over the country people will get paychecks of two cents! A whole two cents! You can buy candy with that and get your teeth rotted and then go to the dentist but YOU HAVE NO MONEY BECAUSE YOU SPENT IT ON CANDY! Amazing, am I right? Silver is not an infinite resource, believe it or not! It is finite, and when it runs out, what are you going to do? Not to mention that it's been defeated in the past when it's been brought up in politics. There is no middle ground with Free Silver! The rich people get nothing and the poor people get everything. Then the poor people get rich and the rich people get poor, and it reverses, and it goes on until there is no silver left! And what happens when there is no silver left? FREE SILVER CAN NO LONGER BE ALIVE! And we are all in a national debt crisis because the means of money is suddenly gone!

Monsieur William Jennings Bryan is a fool to think that people will go along with his prohibitionist ideals. Some of our best ideas come from alcohol, and the sheer joy of drinking alcohol, as well as the fact that people often make friends in public places, especially bars. Some of the most productive members of society might even come around from mishaps with alcohol! I am sure the sheer joys of drinking alcohol outweigh any potential benefits from banning it, not to mention that society would probably just continue on drinking it anyway, even if it were illegal. Because that's how things work, if something is illegal, it's just more likely that people will want it. After the Civil War, voting became legal for black people, and it became illegal to try and halt their votes based on race. And yet, people in the South created laws that would still halt their votes - you had to be literate, or your grandfather had to be able to vote, and so on. Making the purchase and drinking of alcohol illegal would make it even more sought after than it originally was. Also obligatory Captain Jack Sparrow line: "But why is the rum gone?"

Also, if we elect William Jennings Bryan, we will all die fiery deaths because he is an advocate of Presbyterianism. Don't ask me why, it's probably something along the lines of us being a country where you have freedom of religion and anyone in the christian faith has a tendency to force their views on other people (God, Jesus Christ, etc). And I know that's not something from 1896 but DAMNIT I WILL FIND SOME WAY TO LINK IT. Or maybe not. But still.

AND THAT IS ALL FOR THIS VERY BAD DRAFT ENJOY YOUR DAY GOOD SIR AND/OR MA'AM.